Hello Happy Munkey Fam, hope everyone is staying high and safe during these crazy times. With fall basically on our doorsteps, it's almost that time for Halloween and the activities that go with it. Unfortunately, we can't gather for a Halloween party or the annual bar crawl but thankfully there are countless films to get you in that spooky mood. I think we can all name off some of the classic Halloween films that still have people locking their doors a little bit tighter at night. In my opinion, some of the best films are those that are on the path not taken. Also, there just aren't many horror movies made for stoners, but luckily for y'all, I've found a film that checks several boxes. If you've ever wondered what if that classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was about weed then I have the movie for you with "Hansel and Gretel Get Baked"
This film was originally released in 2013 by Duane Journey, if his name doesn't ring any bells it's because he didn't start in the film industry as a director. He's mostly known for being a key grip for some well-known films such as Men In Black and House Party. This is his second full-length film and stars Molly Quinn and Michael Welch. Quinn is known for acting in the tv series Castle, Winx Club, and acted in the film We're The Millers. Welch has made numerous appearances on CSI and NCIS series as well he voiced characters for the animated series Filmore and House of Mouse. Rounding out the antagonist in this film is played by Lara Boyle; she's most known for performing in Twin Peaks and was the main villain in Men in Black 2.
The movie opens with Gretel and her boyfriend Ashton smoking the latest and greatest strain called Black Forest in a suburb in California. While enjoying their latest purchase, Hansel enters to break up the fun while also teasing them with munchies. While Gretel makes a gingerbread house, Ashton rides to Pasadena to visit Agnes, the old lady on the block who happens to sell. While trying to purchase some more of the Black Forest Agnes messes with him and forces him to smoke with her. Ashton passes out after smoking a bowl of the Black Forest. When he awakens he's bound to a steel table, with Agnes lingering over him. He thinks she's into some weird stuff sexual and unwillingly goes along; when he says "Whatever you do I'm gonna close my eyes". Agnes then takes a BBQ fork, stabs, and then eats his eye as Ashton wails in agony. As this is happening Gretel and Hansel are wondering where he is while they decorate some gingerbread men. Gretel eats a gingerbread man's leg simultaneously as Agnes before she saws off Ashton's leg and roasts it she says "I have the munchies".
Throughout the film, you find out that Agnes is a witch that kills and sucks the souls of people to stay youthful and uses selling weed as a way to have a good amount of potential victims. After Hansel and Gretel initially go to Pasadena to confront Agnes, Gretel isn't able to find out any more info because Hansel thinks Gretel is overreacting. One of Agnes' dealers Manny is shaken down by a rival dealer named Carlos and his crew and is told to tell Agnes to stay off his turf. While smoking a blunt of the Black Forest, Agnes doesn't take the threat seriously meanwhile Manny is visibly worried. Agnes asks for Manny's phone and texts a problematic word that I'm not typing. Agnes then slices Manny's throat as he's reacting to the text message she just sent to Carlos. When Carlos and his crew get to her house and Agnes answers she doesn't look like herself. Earlier in the film, she's this old woman in her 80's, this scene she looks like a beautiful 40-year-old. After threatening her at gunpoint she takes her to her grow room. She then uses her powers to tie Carlos up by his feet with a hose and hang him upside down. His goons run, one is chased by a demon dog, the other fights a zombie Manny. Carlos is killed by having a faucet put in his stomach and his blood is drained out. The goon fighting Manny kills him but is then stabbed in the ears by Agnes with ice picks.
The final scenes see Gretel and Manny's girlfriend Bianca going to Agnes' to confront her and find out what happened to their boyfriends. While Bianca distracts Agnes, Gretel snoops through the house and finds the grow room. After Agnes figures out what's going on she chases them throughout the house. Once they get away they find zombie Manny in a trash can. The girls are captured by Agnes meanwhile Hansel enters the home and fights zombie Carlos and kills him. After knocking him out with a vase, Agnes shoots two cops who knock on her door. Stuck in a cage with the demon dog guarding them Gretel figures out how to get past him and goes to save her brother. While trying to save Gretel bound to the steel table, Bianca's heart is ripped out by Agnes. Hansel and Gretel kill Agnes by throwing her in a furnace and closing it. While outside an electrician picks up a black cat and brings it into his car and some rumbling starts. The person behind the wheel is Agnes and she drives away.
After watching this film I laughed, cringed and wanted to smoke all at the same time. If you stoners out there are looking for a good B horror movie to watch while your toking this is the one for you. This will make you think twice about buying from that nice person in your apartment building or neighborhood. You never know who you’re buying from, they could be an upstanding person or a murderous witch that wants to stay youthful for eternity.
-James Wyche